Princess Eee landed in NH on September 19th. Yesterday was the five month mark. Sometimes it feels like she is still so new to us (read: square peg, round hole) and other times I cannot believe it has only been five months. Not because it feels like she's been with us forever like so many adoptive parents say so many times, but because it feels like we've been adjusting to her being here forever. I just read through a slew of "keeping it real" momblogs so I'm inspired to keep it a little more real in this Five Months Home post.
To all the people who told us that after about six months of being home, we wouldn't even notice that Princess Eee ever had a first language other than English: not gonna happen here. Sure, TONS of words are in English now and Yes, Princess Eee understands everything we say in English (when she feels like it) but extract any given sentence she utters and all the words except the main nouns will be in Spanish or her own form of gibberish since she is not only picking up English but losing Spanish. To all the people who tell us we should make sure she keeps her Spanish: I know. I wrote my Master's thesis on bilingual education and the detriments of the English Only movement in this country. Total immersion programs for kids made my insides boil and steam come out of my ears because I did the research. We would love for Princess Eee to keep her ability to speak Spanish, but she is one of five kids with the oldest being ten, and it is not gonna happen. Yes, how unfortunate, but things do fall off the plate when the plate is really full. And raising a bilingual child in a home where neither parent is a first language speaker of that language in a community where close to not one other single person is a native speaker of said language is one of the first things to fall off the edge of the full plate. Just don't tell my thesis advisors.
Things that have changed for the better: Princess Eee no longer asks for coffee or soda. She can sit in front of food and not finish it if she doesn't feel hungry. She doesn't ask to leave an activity/ playdate/ event as soon as we get there anymore. WE ARE NOT WAITING ANYMORE for anything so huge as a new child. We are not battling with governments anymore. We are a family complete, and being done growing is a very nice feeling. The kids have all accepted Princess Eee as one of them. They do not fight with her more than anyone else. Well, except Cupcake. Cupcake and Princess Eee are a toxic combo right now. But other than that rivalry, Princess Eee has been brought into the fold fully and completely by her brothers and sisters.
Things that still have a long way to go: my attaching to Princess Eee would be the biggie here. I am carrying around all the anger at the nightmare process of getting her here combined with the emotional distance that built up over the years of not really believing she'd ever get here. Those are big hurdles standing in our way of having a strong, healthy attachment. With that in the way, five months is no time at all. Not nearly enough time to break all that down. People keep saying we'll get there.
We are going today to a friend's house who was here and got there. I am hoping for some real conversation time with the girls happily playing out of earshot and the moms comfy at the kitchen island drinking way to much coffee and dishing about the rocky journey of adopting a four year old.
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When They Were Babies
5 comments:
I really loved your honesty in sharing how it really is. Sometimes I panic when I read how, at 6 months, things will begin feeling normal. At 6 months we were just coming out of our honeymoon phase! So many families share about their child's attatchment, but I never realized it might take may take me a long time to bond to our Maia. After 11 months home, we're just beginning to move into our new normal. Maybe it takes longer with older children. Or maybe it has something to do with how grueling and long the process is, as you shared. Either way, it's good to see that we're not the only ones who are still ironing out some bugs!
First off, those are AWESOME looking cupcakes (and we forgot ours today!) Second off, I just checked, and at our five months mark I was recovering from the flu, and thus my bonding difficulties were somewhat masked by the fact that I HATED EVERYBODY. I guess, at that point I felt through the worst. I'm not sure how much that's saying. And I still think the Pollyanna blogs just are leaving a bunch out, and there are valid reasons for that, but I can't imagine this is easy for anyone, I just can't. I also note that I did not resume family picture taking (for real, as opposed to for blog) until right around then, and that today was absolutely, bar none, the first time I've been able to contemplate "celebrating Rory's heritage." So...hope today was good and cathartic for you--it was for me!
Lisen, anytime you want to talk about adopting an older child, you know I am here for you. I know all about the good days and the bad days, and unfortunately there are still bad days even after 18 months home. But you know what??? Nothing to worry about!!!!!!! After surviving that first week home, I think we can get through anything in our house. Call me if you need to.
Hugs,
Laura
Lisen,
Congratulations on surviving 5 months! That's a huge accomplishment in itself!
The language thing...We thought it was important to keep Cupcake bilingual too. Then she came home. The (English) language is just not there yet, even after 18 months. Oh, sentence structure is great, but enunciation is a whole different ballgame. She is in ESOL classes at school and will be starting speech therapy soon. (Part of her problem is hearing loss as well.) Anyway, Spanish is traumatic for her to hear. It brings her to a bad place. I've gotten to where I will grab her hand if I hear someone speaking in Spanish and calmly remind her that "I'm here".
Keep plugging away at attachment. It can be so hard sometimes. You know you can always email me if you just want to bounce your thoughts off a comrade...or cry on someone's shoulder.
Love,
Julie
I love you honesty. It's been five months for us too. I shared her story on another blog this week and felt weird about being honest. Not brutally honest but honest nonetheless. It's hard but I know we'll get there. It will come for us and I know it will come for you and Princess Eeee as well. You all had such a long and drawn out adoption, I think you are right where anyone would be given the history. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up about it. Have a great weekenD!
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